If there is one thing i’ve learnt from the many hours I’ve spent watching house renovation shows on HGTV is that good bones and a good foundation is key to success. I’ve also learnt that I could probably single handidly flip a house and that granite counter tops are apparently life.
I have come to the realization that in all my previous attempts at change I have started on some pretty shoddy foundations and my bones are, in fact, quite shit. Not my literal bones, my figurative bones in this very convoluted HGTV metaphor. And so today, the day after the Monday, I decided to fix up house.
Making Space & Margaritas
My first task was to put all those dumb diet books into the recycling, maybe they will eventually come back as something more useful, like a paper straw or toilet roll. I didn’t bin the baby puree thingy, it actually makes a pretty decent Margarita. Those books were the tangible evidence of a girl, who has not been happy and didn’t really no how to fix it.
Next came my wardrobe. My wardrobe could be another persons wardrobe. It is absolutely full of clothes that I cannot wear. The clothes I loved and told myself I would fit back into and the items I have bought since for when that day comes. They hang there like a carrot being dangled in-front of a donkey. They were supposed to be my motivation but usually just make me feel like a failure. The much smaller portion of my wardrobe contains a lot of items that sort of fit but are so worn and full of holes because they are on such heavy rotation. There is very little I love in wardrobe. I rarely think to buy myself anything new because I tell myself that there is no point spending (wasting) money on clothes when I will probably be “skinny” soon.
The fact is that it’s unlikely i’m ever going to fit into the jean shorts I wore when I was 25 and I probably wouldn’t want to. Keeping a wardrobe of clothes I can no longer wear isn’t motivating to me, it’s actually pretty upsetting, like i’m not worth the effort yet. Wearing the same Mom Jeans and baggy band t-shirts day in a day out has become my uniform. I have an actual “Going out Top”, the one less scruffy top that i’ll throw on for every date night – over the high-waisted Mom Jeans, of course. I have been perpetually stuck in a cycle of trying to go forwards so that I can go backwards.
So today I cleaned out everything that doesn’t fit me anymore. I’m going to sell the items on Ebay and use the funds to buy clothes that actually look good on me as I am now and clothes that make me feel good. It wasn’t easy. Full disclosure, there are probably still a few questionable pieces hanging in there. But I do already feel better for it.
Not So Social Social Media
Along with the physical changes I also am trying to make some mental changes. I took the batteries out of my bathroom scales so that I can no longer tempted to berate myself every morning and I unfollowed every Instagram account that didn’t make me feel good.
I also deleted LinkedIn. People use it as a networking tool, I use it to prove to myself that I’m not particularly successful. “See! Sarah is Head of Online now and she has two kids”. It isn’t helpful.
Stop Fucking Daydreaming
As I write this i’m picturing my efforts today in my head as a montage from one of those romantic comedies. The type of montage that follows after the ingenue has an epiphany, usually about a bad boyfriend, makes a bunch of changes, sets up a impossibly affordable apartment in the city, walks to her new kick-ass job, kills it at the gym and then hangs with her awesome friends. And that friends brings me to another old behavior that is really fucking up my foundations – Daydreaming.
I’ve always been a daydreamer, even as a small child I would regularly and comically drift of and stare into space but as an adult and especially now in my current life situation I spend a lot of time and energy picturing my life and myself as something different. I figure the best way to stop drifting off into my imagination is to be present in my real life. I’m not a therapist, although sometimes in my daydreams I am, but I think that a good way of being present is to find something you love to do.
So i’m literally going to get a fucking hobby.
The Monday 