Like all serial dieters I have tried it all. In fact you could call me somewhat of an enthusiast. My kitchen cabinets should be called the ‘Museum of Wasted Money and Failed Attempts’, exhibit highlights include recipe books written by self proclaimed bio-chemists and weird gadgets to puree my food (i’m looking at you baby food diet).
“Hello my name is Jenna and i’m a dietoholic.”
My dieting history reads like a greatest hits album cover . Featuring the number one singles the Atkins diet, The Zone Diet, The 5:2 Diet (spoiler alert; this one quite literally involves dieting for 5 days and then eating basically nothing for 2 days a week), the Whole 30 & everyones favorite – the Cabbage Soup Diet (urgh, the bubble belly).
I have food prepped & eaten six tiny meals a day made up of perfectly balanced macros. Once before a trip to Ibiza I even embarked upon this oddly named ‘British Heart Foundation Diet’ which involved eating nothing but dry toast, grilled tomatoes and the odd bit of salmon. It was very obviously not endorsed by the BHF and very obviously really stupid.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels – Kate Moss”
The thing about these diets is that for me they usually do work for a bit. I’ll lose one of my extra chins and a hint of a cheekbone will show on my normally very round face. I’ll fit into that bridesmaid dress or button up those jeans in my wardrobe. Everyone will tell me I look great but it never lasts. I may be a little lighter but I usually feel shit, tired, irritable and just plain sad. The thought of having to eat like this for the rest of my life or be fat seems unfair and overwhelming. In the case of that crazy BFH diet I lost 14lbs in two weeks! Great huh!? But I also fell asleep on every single one of my train commutes and in a meeting, I fell down when a strong-ish wind whipped down a pretty busy street, lost a shit ton of perfectly good hair and fought with my husband about anything and everything. After coming off of it I gained the weight back with interest. I’m a fan of Ms. Moss’ work but I fundamentally disagree with that little tidbit.
“The only thing I won’t quit is quitting”
I would say my most successful attempt was with everyone’s Mum’s favorite club – Weight Watchers. I followed the plan religiously and attended the weekly meetings where little old ladies traded tips on how to “low cal” everything. “Oh you must skip the butter, dear. I put a little skimmed milk in my mashed potatoes instead”. I actually lost half a stone (7lbs) over 5 weeks, I got my shiny 7lb sticker and a mention in the newsletter, but I found counting and record points restrictive and annoying and eventually I quit that too. Also skimmed milk as a replacement for butter in mashed potatoes is just not fucking on, just saying.
The other day I caught sight of my reflection in a shop window as I walked with my dog and I quite literally didn’t recognize myself. I did a double take thinking that someone was walking behind me. It was a sobering sight on what had been a perfectly lovely day. Before I had made it home those old feelings came back and I came home and started the familiar Google Searches; ‘how to lose weight’, ‘best diet for losing weight’, ‘best tips for weight-loss’. I stumbled upon something called the Paleo diet and something called the Keto diet. I was in the middle of deciding which diet was more me, “they do have those yummy looking Paleo snack packs in Wholefoods, but you can eat tons of Avacados on Keto”, and I was ready to add the books to my Amazon cart when it dawned on me.
I’m going to quit this too.
The Monday Begins.
And so, whether this is the sort of foresight that comes with age or maturity or perhaps i’m just now super self aware, I decided finally that something has to change. I’ve come to realize at 33 years old that just losing weight doesn’t change the way I feel about myself. I’ve been successful in losing weight but not in a way that is sticky or good for me. Another trendy diet is not going to help me. I need to reevaluate the way I value myself. Yes, I can most definitely stand to lose a few pounds (my knees will certainly be grateful), weight loss will definitely be a part of this but mostly I need to start something that I won’t want to quit.
Today is THE Monday.
The Monday 